Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
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BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I self medicate, therefore you live.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji