People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
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My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Just me?
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Whoa 😂
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn