The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
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*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?