The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
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Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.