Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
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I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
craving $300 all of a sudden
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad