I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
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No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*