Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
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getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Hank is one in a melon.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.