*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
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Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
🤣😈🤣
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.