A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
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Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?