What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
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you stereotypes are all alike
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Steam Forums
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
a lot to unpack here
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich