Celery is depressing green water wafers.
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I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!