Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
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superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Well, this certainly took a turn
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account