Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
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Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
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Expectations vs. Reality
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
seems fine
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right