My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
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My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’