i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
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Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Realize this:
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”