I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
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“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math