How about daylight saves us for once
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Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.