Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
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People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
uh oh
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!