Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
You Might Also Like
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.