who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
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him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.