Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
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“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what