Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
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For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Siri: Retweet me.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there