Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
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what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.