coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
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I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Stop sending me this shit.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.