I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
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ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin