me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
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I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.