Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
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My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*