My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
You Might Also Like
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
accurate
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.