[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
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Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Saturday
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.