What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
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I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Butt weight. There’s more!
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?