As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
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Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
#Caturday
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Meow?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
#Caturday
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad