Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
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I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.