there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
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Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
This why you should mind your business
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar