Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
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Still laughing at this stupid meme
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant