[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
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Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles