My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
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Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster