so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
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An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.