Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
You Might Also Like
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Bring back the McRib
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.