“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
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isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.