“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
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I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol