I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
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My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Welcome to the stomach
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.