I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
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Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.