7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
You Might Also Like
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES