A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
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Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?