ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
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I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
when someone rings the doorbell
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba