When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
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My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together