My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
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Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*