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I really had high hopes for this year though
Finally a use for spoilers…
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore