[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
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When someone asks if I have any hobbies
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]