If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
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Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
My dress code is business-casualty.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?